I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Randomize
