he told me I talked like a deaf person
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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