this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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