Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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