Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Enjoy the penises
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
