I bet he comes in French.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
