So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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