The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
