So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
