I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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