i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
