omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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