my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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