I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
