I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
