My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
there is glitter all over my balls
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
