It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
