Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
