Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
