my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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