I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
