what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
