This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
