I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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