Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
