we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
two words: eviction party
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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