he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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