youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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