It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
