Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
