At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
