last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just pee around me
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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