You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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