I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
