He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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