have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
