I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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