Just mADE A PArabola og urine
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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