The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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