Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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