sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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