I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
