Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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