i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Let's get the cat blown out
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
