Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Randomize
