I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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