and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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