I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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