if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Randomize
