so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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