:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
